Making a New Start

Whilst we served Shiloh Church in Guernsey for some years we coined the strap-line for it - 'Helping People Make a New Start'.  I always felt it to be the best descriptive phrase about church life that I had ever come across, and now it is coming true for Diane and me too.  After more than 4 years of not being able to work because of the agony of chronic pancreatitis, and the all-too-frequent admissions to hospital near home and in London, my situation has improved dramatically.  Recently my GP started saying that he thought I might even be well enough to consider starting work again, and for Diane and myself that could only mean one thing - active Christian ministry in one capacity or another.  We just love preaching and teaching the Word of God, and mentoring and encouraging Christian leaders, while all the time sharing the good news of the love of God with folk of all faiths and of none.  This was our great desire, though the exact details seemed to elude us for a while.

For some weeks we have been praying about this, in particular the possibility of serving the Eldad Elim Church, in St Peter Port Guernsey, as its minister.  The present incumbent and my close friend John Bristow will retire in December and he and his wife Iris plan to move to New Zealand.  Through different talks and negotiations, both with Elim's National Leadership Team and the Eldad church leaders, we came to the settled conclusion that this is what we should do.  Last Sunday morning it was announced to the congregation that Diane and I will be joining them in the New Year, and we are so thrilled that we can even contemplate this.  It is a daunting challenge, but one in which we know we will be joining some wonderful people and will learn much from them.

We are so grateful  for all your love, support and prayers.  To all our friends in the Pancreatitis Supporters Network we say 'hang in there, guys - we can beat this'.  To Katie Bassett, a dear Christian friend who is our pain control specialist nurse and who arranged for my implant at Guys' hospital last February, 'God has really used you, Katie.  You were really meant to come to Guernsey'.  To so many much-loved prayer partners - Brian and Doreen, Hazel, Daphne (and the late Clarence), Jean and David, Jean P, Eileen, Peter and Dorien, Kev and Mary and so so many more - many thanks and don't stop now!  There is an encouraging verse in Revelation 3:8 where God says 'I have set before you an open door which no man can shut, and I know that your strength is limited.'  If He is leading us to this new start, then all may not be easy, but it will all be well.

A Preacher's Prayer

Some may find this a bit corny - that's ok, but I found it deeply moving. It reflects the heart of a man who wants to live for God in a challenging world. The desire to live right before God, to build committed relationships, to forgive those who sin against us - all this is expressed in this song.  The well-known and much-loved tune Finlandia was not written for these words but offers them a platform that just seems to fit so well.

When I was ordained to the work of the ministry we sang a song written by one of the pioneers of the Elim Pentecostal churches, E C W Boulton.  The words remain with me as a very similar cry from the heart as the one sung by Haase and his team.


Move me, dear Lord, and others I shall move to do Thy will;
Mould Thou this life into a vessel fair Thyself to fill;
No charm with which to draw do I possess,
In Thee I find the secret of success.


If you preach, or aspire to do so, this prayer isn't a bad place to begin.

What a Day!

It is so hard to face this fact - but on this very day, the 9th September 1972, yes, 39 long years ago, Diane and I were married.  We had absolutely no idea of the kind of exciting life we were destined to lead.  Maybe if we had, at least one of us would have pulled out before the ceremony!  The service was held in our home church at Vazon Elim in Guernsey within earshot of the nearby sand races on the beach.  The windows of the church building were open and we could hardly hear ourselves think above the roar of motor bike and racing car engines.  But I do remember these words:
'I, Eric, do take thee, Diane to be my wedded wife... I will love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, will keep myself only unto her, as long as we both shall live.'  Diane said the same to me.  We meant it.  I was at her side as she battled through 13 years of crippling anxiety and depression. Together we faced the issues that were tearing at her peace.  Together we found answers that would enable us both to receive not only wholeness, but to go on and serve God in remote corners of the world.  Not without fear, but in spite of it.

Then Diane has stayed by my side like a limpet through my 15 year battle with the appalling disease pancreatitis.  She has been there for me when I was deep in coma, acting as my advocate in hospitals around the British Isles.  She has protected me, prayed for me, believed for me when my faith was failing, waited for me, trusted with me and rejoiced with me in these early days of return from the battlefield.  I want her to have the joy of many more years without pain, but this is a partnership that will not be measured in years or even decades.

Without doubt the best part of our wedding day was flying away at the end on honeymoon.  We crossed by air to Jersey and in those days the airline used to weigh passengers on a big public scale and then assign your seating according to your weight!  As you can see, we did not have too much to be embarrassed about getting on to the scales then - but if it was now!  Well, we sat on the pier in Jersey eating chips out of the paper, in a Morris 1100 hire car with no carpets or heater, and just gazed into the distance together.  Good thing we could not glimpse what was really up ahead.  But Jesus did, and He chose us for each other. We are so grateful that He did.

Peace, be Still!

I have just spent three days of study break at the beautiful new Elim International Centre at Malvern in the UK.  Here my old college has been established after its move from Nantwich in Cheshire and the new facilities are terrific.  It was so inspiring to be able to spend significant time in reading, prayer and reflection.  Walking up the Malvern Hills, in the armpit of which sits the new Centre, was a special joy.  Don't you just feel that there is something unique about high places?  I do, and as I gazed out over hundreds of square miles of glorious English countryside, I felt inspired enough to start writing poetry!  Now that's a first for me!

Being quiet and still are vital ingredients in catching the whisper of God.  I have found it challenging to hear from the Lord during my long battle with pain as agony shouts louder than any competitor.  It has sometimes been a real act of discipline to sit and be still in the presence of God when my body has been wracked with pain and my mind clouded by opiates.  Now in the aftermath of such wonderful improvement as I have known this year I felt like I had met with an old friend after a long period of being in touch only from a distance.

The most moving part of my dialogue with heaven this week was the flow of repeated assurances in both Bible readings and the whispers in my heart that God's love for me has not diminished.  He also seemed to be saying that this is a new season - 'after the storm' - and that the day of fulfillment of so many promises is upon us. If that is so, then thank God for that!  All I know is that God seems to come close to us when we can make the space and the time to be still, focused and alone.  Try it some time!

Headline News

I was listening to the morning radio news here in Guernsey.   Now I know that this is the time of the year that the news hacks call 'the silly season' - mid summer in Britain - but I was unprepared for the shock of the main story but one. 'Outrage as dog attacks small bird on the beach!'  In this small community we get a daily local newspaper which is eagerly read from cover to cover in the majority of homes.  We are used to being regaled with lurid reports such as 'Boy falls from bike: taken to A & E'.  Don't think for a moment that I minimise the potential danger of falling from bicycles as one poor man did just that over here recently and died as a result.   No, it's just the quaintness I suppose of a community where thankfully major crime is rare and small things become newsworthy.

By the way - the dog was being very naughty - and the owner was negligent as there were warning signs nearby.  The bird was no ordinary one either - it was a young Oyster Catcher.  So, the plot thickens.  The headline didn't quite say it all - but it still brings a smile to my lips when I remember that there are places where even the murder of human beings hardly makes news.

And then I thought about a headline from two millennia ago. 'Sale Price of Sparrows Hits an All Time Low - Two Sold for a Penny'.  Nothing unusual there you might say.  But it's the next bit that grabbed my attention.  'Yet not one of them falls to the ground without God knowing it - and allowing it' (my paraphrase of Matthew 10:29).  So maybe the headline writer at BBC Guernsey was right.  It is news that a small bird was killed on the beach near here, at least to Almighty God!

When I think about that I take heart.  For the very same passage in the Gospel goes on to say that even the very hairs on my head are numbered - and that in God's eyes I am of more value than many sparrows. And so are you.  And yes - I will keep my dog on a leash when there are birds about - you never know Who is watching!

Oh What a Glorious Day!!

Wey hey!!  We have just returned from a triumphant time of holiday and family reunion in Gran Canaria, and the real miracle is I have kept well!  We went there because my younger brother Andy wanted to marry his fiancee Gill and they had decided to wed in the beautiful resort of Puerto de Mogan - where Andy proposed to Gill just weeks before.  So, we set off with a little trepidation because of my record - we have not flown anywhere except to travel to London for hospital admissions and appointments for nearly three years now - but our concerns were groundless.  The pain control gizmo I had implanted last February worked a treat and we all had a great time.

On the day of the wedding itself it was really hot, around 30 degrees C, so the service was planned for 6pm.  I officiated at the wedding itself - and at the end my shirt looked like I had just been in the pool, as I was soaked in perspiration.  The best man was in a similar state, but the groom looked quite calm, and the bride was serenity itself! It was also a real joy to have our son Matthew with us in such an exotic location.

Waiting outside the chapel for the bride

The bride looked lovely in her Canarian made ivory gown and was given away in marriage by her son Martin who is a soldier in the British Army and was dressed in full uniform.  Gill, like Andy, was widowed a couple of years ago and it was such a joy to see the two of them being joined together in matrimony.

The Bride and her fine son

So, we thank God that as with our tremendous Easter trip to Cardiff, this journey to the Canary Islands has become a confidence builder in my recovery.  We have a real anticipation in our hearts about the adventures that God has planned for us in this next season of our lives - watch this space!  Thank you for your interest and prayers, and for the patience and faithfulness of my dear wife Diane who has longed for this day.  To God be the glory!

Diane and I outside the Chapel

Bride and Groom cut the cake (with a sword!)

All Sunshine Makes a Desert!

I suppose we really do need some rain, don't we?  Speaking for us here in the Channel Islands we have been receiving some refreshing downpours in the last couple of weeks, but it will be really good to see the sun again.  Strange, though, how all sunshine makes a desert eh?  You can have too much of a good thing.  When we lived in Africa we longed for the changing seasons of life back home in Guernsey.  We enviously pictured ourselves walking bent before the howling wind on a freezing day in February with an icicle hanging from our noses.  We sat on the beach on Boxing Day and actually missed the cold!!  Crazy or what?

But hey, life needs its seasons too.  Get over it when clouds form.  Is this why the writer of the New Testament letter said 'in all circumstances, rejoice.'?  Maybe.  I have certainly known some dry and thirsty times when going nil-by-mouth for over 7 weeks last year for instance, and I want to thank God for the rain!  Where we live our reservoirs are full, but they would not be for long if we always had the sunshine we crave.

And by the way - talking about the changing seasons of life - it is now 4 months since the neurostimulator was switched on in me and I have not had to go back into hospital once in that period (compared to 10 times last year). Praise God my pain is well under control, and it seems that the pancreatitis has just subsided too.  So I really do welcome this new season whatever the weather!

When There's Pain in the Offering

Nobody likes pain.  Not me not you not anybody. And no-one wants to be an expert on pain - who would be so silly?  Last Sunday morning I was introduced to an audience as 'Eric is an expert in suffering.  He has not only written books about the subject, but he's been there!'  Well, if you think I want to be known as an expert in suffering and pain you've got another think coming!  I made a joke of it with the gathering - and I think they understood.  It's not long since I started public speaking again.  For a bloke who has a PhD in preaching it's been really tough to be silent.  But it all comes into what the Bible book of Romans calls the 'all things which God makes work together for good' in the lives of those of us who follow Jesus.

So I sat down on a  bar stool and began reading from the Bible book of Job (pronounced Joeb).  As I did I felt a distinct sense of the presence and power of the Holy Spirit all over me.  I still do, because I did something really narcissistic a few minutes ago - I listened to myself speaking on the internet.  Weird eh?  And I'm still crying.  I don't want to be the one who has to share this kind of message - that God allows us to go through dreadful stuff sometimes but remains sovereign - in charge.  I don't find it easy, but I do think it is the one thing that many of us need to hear and to know.  The devil may be banging us about but God isn't resigning.  He's in it for the long haul and I'm grateful.  He's really there when there's pain in the offering!

If you want to, you can listen too.  http://www.rock.gg/Media/AllMedia.aspx 

Pill Popping and Prayer - do they Mix?

In an age of drug addiction and the abuse of chemicals it is small wonder that  Christians find themselves bothered when asked by their doctors to take certain medications to control their illnesses.  Among the many different kinds of drugs that are particularly hard to swallow if you are a committed follower of Christ are anti-depressants, tranquillizers and opiates. I have used all three at various times in the long battle with pancreatitis, cholangitis and the emotional fallout of chronic ill health.  Just at the moment I really thank God that I am doing better, especially with regard to pain, and so I am weening myself off morphine after a long period of using it in large doses daily in order to cope with excessive pain.  Cutting down and coming off these kinds of drugs is a tough and testing process and is taking much longer than I would like, but if you lower the doses slowly in line with medical advice, this can minimise the awful effects of withdrawal.

Despite their place in medicine, I hate taking drugs.  In fact, I have so resisted taking medication that I have suffered far more over the years than I need have done, not only from physical symptoms that could have been relieved, but also from emotions like shame, embarrassment, fear and guilt.  I remember how sad and ashamed I was to be receiving shots of morphine when in severe pain in a London hospital, especially when the nurse giving me the jabs told me she was a Pentecostal Christian and, like me, believed in Divine healing!  It is also so hard to keep taking antidepressants when you are supposed to have 'a joy that the world cannot give' - and you have but it does not meet your immediate medical and emotional needs.

Through all this foolish shame and guilt, I have learned important lessons.  Firstly, like sex, these drugs were created by God for the benefit of mankind.  Also like sex they have been abused and subverted to serve selfish and evil purposes, but this does not take away their usefulness in medicine, nor their appropriateness for Christians as well as anybody else to take.  Secondly, like food, if these substances have been given to man by God, they are to be received with thanksgiving.  In fact, the next time you take your pain-killers or your anti-depressant or your HRT or your insulin, it might help to bow your head and say grace!  'Thank you Lord for these little pills that are helping me today.  Amen'  Thirdly, we have no right to criticise or condemn others who may need medication to get them through a short term crisis or attack of disease. Even though we believe in God's healing power, we don't have to flush the pills away unless we are very sure that it is the right thing to do - right before God and those who are caring for us in His name.  We are not against doctors and nurses, after all, we are against suffering and disease!

Let me know if you have struggled with this issue and would like to chat about it.  Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, but trust God for healing and recovery in due course, and His love and presence in the meantime.

Time for Change at Last!

I am really looking forward to Easter this year.  I have always enjoyed Easter more than Christmas or any other time of the year, and despite the relatively late arrival of the season it is so welcome this time around.  Selfishly, this has a lot to do with the help I have received in overcoming chronic pain.  After 15 years of battling with chronic pancreatic pain, one of the worst pains known to man, I have at last found some relief.  The neuro-stimulator that was implanted at Guy's Hospital, London, in mid February, and then switched on a couple of weeks later, is proving an over-whelming success!  At last, I feel like a new man, and can actually look forward to celebrating this wonderful time of the year.

Diane and I will be travelling to Cardiff in Wales where we will be taking part in the Easter Celebrations in The City Temple, the church where I was the Senior Pastor prior to getting ill.  It is such a joy to be able to even plan to do this with any degree of confidence, but that is how powerfully the equipment has affected us both.  Praise God for this mercy!

Of course we wish it could have been done sooner.  And I still have to be careful with food and abstain from alcohol because of the underlying condition, but it is great to be pain controlled and to be coming off the large amounts of morphine that have been necessary up until now.  I am doing that gradually so as to avoid withdrawal symptoms, but am already down to one third of what I was taking a month ago.

I hope that you too will find help, peace, life and healing this Easter.  After all, that's what it is all about.

A Prophecy from Satan on the BBC!

I have just witnessed a prophecy from Satan.  Who else would turn the best advice you could ever give to a British audience into an excuse to mock Christians and Christianity - but this guy achieved it in one?  I was watching the BBC following a favourite programme and on came this stand-up comic - now he was good, don't get me wrong, and funny, but he really used and abused some of his large audience to get cheap laughs. Then he made his prophetic announcement.  'Ladies and Gentlemen', he yelled, 'we are living in broken Britain'. No arguments there.  'The only hope for this broken society is that we return to two fundamental truths.  One, we need to restore the sense of shame to individuals in our day.  And two, we need to remind people in Britain today of the reality and the awfulness of Hell.'

Well, the laughter became pretty nervous at this point, but I was riveted to the screen. He asked if there were any Christians among the thousand or so in the audience.  One brave young man put his hand up.  His name was Josh.  I started praying for him.  Others had been humiliated by this fast worker and I thought Josh's time had come.  Then, the comedian (and I am not going to name him because I don't want anybody else to watch him on iPlayer) started describing the horrors of Hell in lurid extra-biblical terms.  His joke became a simple lampooning of the different European accents used to describe the same appalling suffering and what that revealed of the different stereotypical ideas we have about other nationalities.

But I was sure that I had heard a prophecy from a being who knew what he was talking about. A beast that had seen the realities of the after-life without mercy, love, grace, beauty, music or Jesus, and definitely without hope, had spoken, and had done so with this intent.  That by making us laugh he could slip in the truth and we would miss its stark message.  What broken Britain needs RIGHT NOW is a recovery of its sense of shame, and its understanding of Hell.  Please Lord, don't let me laugh about that, and don't EVER let me forget it.

Through the Valley of Death

There is no greater peace than knowing your sins are forgiven and that when you die, the Prince of Life will invite you into His eternal kingdom.  This week three friends of mine have made that transition.  They have come to the end of their earthly journey and have gone right on into their heavenly reward.  And it is so tough to let them go.  There is no pain on earth like the pain of loss and bereavement, but at the same time that is the price of love.  Surely it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

It is such an amazing comfort to know that the Jesus we serve is the One who has conquered death and returned to us with the offer of life itself.  Here in Guernsey the hedgerows are bursting with colour.  All around us the daffodils are blooming, the gorse is heavy with yellow flowers and the primroses and violets are splashed like the overflow of a vivid and generous imagination.  What is it all in aid of?  Well, the arrival of Spring, of course, and with it the celebration of Easter's great answer to the dark of the grave.


But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I’ll probably never fully understand. We’re not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it’s over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we’ll all be changed. (1 Corinthians 15:51-53)

So, don't give up hope, and don't let the icy blast of winter fool you either.  The Spring is coming, and life will overcome death.  And those of us who have trusted Christ and followed Him will dance with Him in the fields of heaven's dawning like lambs enjoying the sheer delight of being alive!  Hallelujah!  He Lives!

Overwhelmed by good wishes

Thank you SO much for all the messages of encouragement and thanksgiving that have come in since my last post with the news that the neurostimulator fitted at Guy's Hospital in February is now switched on and doing its job effectively. After 15 years of battling daily the dreadful pain of recurring acute pancreatitis and chronic pancreatitis I have some relief from its claws.  We have both wept tears of gratitude for the research and technical know-how that has provided this equipment, and the care of those who fitted it.

I want to give you the real facts of my situation now, despite the personal nature of this information, not to seek your pity, nor to take away from the wonder of what God has done for us, but in respect for truth and a desire for continued prayer support.  This has eased my pain, but the underlying disease and damage done to my pancreas remains.  I am really hoping that with the pain defused, any future attacks may be more easily controlled, or that they simply will not occur.  We are also both exhausted, and my stamina is low.  Recent surgery on top of the many procedures endured before last year and during it, has left me weak.  Also, in these early weeks, I am restricted in my movements so as not to undo the effect of the electrodes in my spine. Scar tissue will eventually hold them in place, but that takes time.

I look forward to planned preaching engagements ahead with real joy at resuming my first love - the teaching of God's precious Word.  Please pray for needed strength and wisdom to pace myself.

Thank you.  God bless you!

Eric's Laws of Do-it-yourself!

Every job sets out really simple - of course I can put up a coat-hook - I mean what kind of idiot do you think I am?  Well, I did it, but not without proving the home truths of Eric's Laws of Doing it Yourself!
Law 1 It is always harder than it looks
Law 2 You never have the right tools
Law 3 If it can fall off or break it will always land in the most difficult place to retrieve it from
Law 4 If it can go wrong it will go wrong spectacularly
Law 5 If it can break it will always break at the most inopportune moment
Law 6 You will be going back to the DIY store
Law 7 You will regret not measuring one more time
Law 8 When your wife/significant other arrives to look it is always at the moment of most difficulty
Law 9 When your wife/significant other arrives she will ask you why you didn't get a man in
Law 10 You will ask yourself why you didn't get a man in!

Still, I must say that it has been a pleasure feeling well enough to at least have a go myself!  Thanks to this wonderful neurostimulator, since I was switched on two weeks ago I have experienced a complete break from pain.  Thank God for the sheer pleasure of not being in agony.  Now it's a joy to make a fool of myself, but when you come to my house, please don't ask me where you can hang your coat!

How long, O Lord?

As I know you may well be one of my readers who takes time to pray for Diane and myself I just want to bring you up to date on the latest situation regarding our on-going war with pancreatitis and pain.  Last week's surgery in Guys Hospital London went well, although the journey home with my 3 stitched wounds was quite an ordeal.  The weekend saw me holding my belly and gritting my teeth as infection set in to the wound on my front, and it seemed a long time till Monday when we could get some antibiotic help.  Thankfully they have worked and the infection is subsiding.

As you may know, the surgical team have a new policy from the start of this year (one which they failed to tell me about until I was in the recovery room!) in which they delay programming the spinal stimulator for at least a week or so after the operation. Previously this had been done the day after the op, as I had experienced during the trial procedure last December. This means that we will be hauling my s.a. (if you don't get that don't ask!) once again back through Gatwick Airport on this coming Tuesday, not a pretty prospect. On Wednesday they will programme the kit and switch me on. If you get a moment to pray, please ask for strength to undertake this journey feeling as sore as I do from the surgery, and still battling strong pancreatic pain daily!

We are both so grateful that I have been chosen for this treatment and that the surgical part is now behind me. It offers the prospect of real benefit in terms of pain relief if it works as well as in the trial, and the hope of much better days to come.  We still hold on to the promise of 1 Peter 5:10 'The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good.' (The Message).

A Headache Cure for All.

Oh boy - all this deep thinking gives me a headache. When I start thinking about my problems and the sufferings in the world - life often doesn't seem fair does it?  When you look at the Beckhams of this world, or maybe even just your neighbours, and they seem to have so much money and possessions yet care so little about God, or the needs of others, and then I think about my lot in life - ouch time! That's what the writer of Psalm 73 said (in The Message version).  'What’s going on here? Is God out to lunch? Nobody’s tending the store.The wicked get by with everything; they have it made, piling up riches. I’ve been stupid to play by the rules; what has it gotten me? Still, when I tried to figure it out, all I got was a splitting headache…'.

Do you feel that way sometimes?  Oh maybe not today but you know what I mean, what the Psalm writer meant.  What's the answer to this life induced pressure on the mind? Well, it's not to deny the reality of how hard life can be.  Nearly two thirds of the whole of the book of Psalms is made up by what is called 'lament' - a kind of religious poem or song designed to describe how bad things are.  No denial there then.  Yet, in many of these very honest declarations there are also found statements that turn back our faith and confidence towards God.  Like here in Psalm 73.  The very next line to the one quoted above says this: 'Until I entered the sanctuary of God. Then I saw the whole picture: The slippery road you’ve put them on, with a final crash in a ditch of delusions.'  So what we see today is not the end of the story.  The writer went in to the place of prayer 'the sanctuary of God' he or she calls it, and was granted there a revelation of the end of all humanity without Christ.  Suddenly the eyes of their heart were opened, and they understood the bigger picture.

This world is not all there is.  In fact, the Bible describes what we have today as being as brief as the falling of a leaf, like a tale that is told or a breath that is breathed momentarily and then is gone forever.  None of the trinkets that society might envy as the signs of success really matter to God.  At the end of the day He reads the thoughts and intentions of every heart - and holds our allotted number of breaths like a loan ready to be called.

There's only one cure to that kind of headache.  It's trust in Christ as saviour and Lord.  Only in truly following Him can we be ready for the day when that most vital of all loans is recalled.  'Because He lives, I shall live also' is a great reminder that our values need to reflect eternity if they are to be properly balanced on earth.  Any other approach is fertile headache country.

Young Guy Turns Out Not So Bad After All!

Hey Dude?  Who is this good lookin' young guy then? He looks bold and brash and yes, he's even started shaving!  I'd say from that distant look he's just set eyes on his intended.  He's watching her across the room and hoping that she will eyeball him too.  Who'd have thought that they would marry at 20 years of age!  What, so young?  And then, stay together through nearly 39 years of marriage, serving God and other people, believing the God of the Bible and urging others to believe Him too. Just what is it that motivated this young man and his girlfriend to go all out for the gospel when countless others around them were hell-bent on pleasure, money and power?  And what is it that has kept them following after the crazy message of the grace of God through illness, bereavement, sorrow, frustration and pain?

Well, a big part of it is that there is nowhere else to go.  Once when the disciples of Jesus saw that quite a few early followers of Christ were turning away from Him, they were startled by the Saviour's question. 'Will you also go away?'  'Master', they replied, 'Where else would we go? You alone have the words of eternal life'.  Through more than 40 years of discipleship on three continents and in several cultures this young guy and his girl were to find that there really is no other way to find life, joy and peace, nor the assurance that life with Christ never ends.  So much else is temporary, and so much tarnished by flimsy motives and selfishness - but following Jesus Christ really does make sense, even into the 21st Century.

And so the years have taken their toll.  Early enthusiasm and confidence have given way to measured balance and honest doubts.  Things that once were so certain have long since passed their warranty but are still hanging on! The waistline has widened and the hairline taken flight, but down deep it's still me, and I still love Diane and am fascinated by her beauty.  And what's more, if I could do it all over again, I would not change one bit of it.  No, not one bit, because even the bad bits that didn't kill me have made me stronger, and the sad parts have been the shadows that only go to prove that beyond the clouds the sun is still shining.

Bon Voyage!

When I was searching for a title for the book that would tell the story of my long battle with serious ill-health and chronic pain it was a 'no-brainer'. Braving the Storm: Survival Tactics said it all.  I felt like I was battling to make headway against a raging, howling wind and a strong tide against me.  To a certain extent I still feel like that, but there is a notable difference.  For most of the struggle I have felt pretty sure about the nature of my enemy - it was a physical fight against a measurable disease.  Now, like the mariners who gathered in convoys to cross the Atlantic during the Second World War, I realise that the greatest danger lies beneath the waves.  The unseen realm of the U-Boat wreaked a terrible toll on the convoys.  For my part, the invisible, insidious and underhand tactic of the attacker that poses me the greatest risk is depression.  'Ah yes, Eric,' you may say 'but you don't have to worry about that do you?  After all, you are a pastor and Christian leader, and they should not get depressed, should they?'  'Get real, Pal' is my response!  Even Jesus was described as 'a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief' and when it came to Satan's tactics against him we also read 'he was oppressed and afflicted' - now that's pretty depressing.

Why are Christians among the last to be willing to admit that they get depressed?  They usually either refuse to take medication or do so ashamedly, afraid to admit to others that we might need some chemical help to overcome a condition that is often chemically based or exaggerated and complicated by the drugs we need to take for pain.

Convoys were difficult to organise, but they worked.  Ships gathered together with others heading to roughly the same destinations, and they travelled as one.  Of course they were limited to the speed of the slowest among them, but the idea cut the death toll drastically and led to a painful though marginal victory in the battle of the Atlantic.  So - I get depressed, and when I do I need others who understand what it means to face this bleak and heinous enemy to make the journey with me. It simply is too dangerous to make the trip alone. It is also sad and silly to reject any means of grace, even if it is received by mouth!

The book which followed on from this was called Storm Force and enabled me to look more closely at some of these unseen tactics of the enemy.  I thought that the next one should be called 'After the Storm' but as I am writing it I am finding that neither the storm nor the lessons from it are decreasing.  So, I'll let you know the title once it has been confirmed, after all - you are probably in the same convoy and we need each other!  Bon Voyage!

Happy New Year!

Have a happy, healthy and holy New Year!

Wow it's so good to begin this new year knowing that our life and times are firmly in God's hands.  No matter what the inflation figures say, or the football pundits moan about, or the weather buffs warn about, those who know Christ and are trusting Him feel comforted by this great fact - God is still in charge!

I have been pondering what my priorities should be as I begin 2011.  Of course I long to be pain-free, and I do feel more hopeful about the latest development in this regard in my case. The pain team in London have decided to go ahead for full implantation of the spinal neuro- stimulator in me probably early in the year.  After the very disappointing start, the December trial of the kit turned out to be much more successful than expected, thank God!

But I have been thinking about the absolute priority of being ready for eternity. This became all too up-to-date for me in 2010 with the passing of my younger brother's long-term partner Janet.  Despite the tragedy of the illness that took her, she was granted the privilege, not given to all, to prepare for her untimely death during a period of weeks and then days.  I was with her in the final week, and saw the grace of God at work in her as she asked me to explain my faith again to her, and then she embraced God's love for herself.  I know I will see her again one day.  But what of the millions more who don't get any warning?  Surely if we believe the gospel we must become much more urgent about sharing it?

D. A. Carson says this: 'You cannot live faithfully in this life unless you are ready for the next.  You can't preserve morality or spirituality or doctrinal purity or faithfulness unless you are living in light of eternity' (taken from Be Still My Soul ed. by Nancy Guthrie, IVP, Nottingham, 2010, 115).  I really hope that I will take this on board in the coming year and do all I can to urge others to answer the question posed by the hymn-writer;

'Where will you spend eternity?
This question comes to you and me
Tell me, what shall your answer be?
Where will you spend eternity?'

Reality Check!

Most of Britain is shivering in the snow and ice.  Unlike previous years there is almost no doubt at all that this will be a white Christmas, at least in some part of the British Isles.  For us here in the Channel Islands it is very rare to get snow at all let alone before Christmas.  The salt air and southerly position usually keeps us clear of all that, but this time we are included in this mega-dump of frosty forces!  BRRR!  Another unusual thing for post-modern Britain is the portrayal on the main television channel BBC One of the events of the Nativity.  It has been beautifully shot in believable scenery and involves not just mainstream actors but is also written by Tony Jordan, a former lead writer on Eastenders, and is being transmitted at peak viewing times.  For a generation of largely biblically illiterate children and young people as well as adults this may turn out to be a real taste of the original story and its impact on the lives of those who took part.

The third and most moving episode showed the rejection that Mary faced when she chose to accept God's message and receive the implanted Son of God into her womb, and even more significantly into her life.  'I am the Lord's servant' Mary said 'may it be to me as you have said'.  From that moment she faced the hostility of all within her community, to the point of being threatened with stoning (in the televised version).  Most difficult of all would be the response of her parents who believed her to be pure and devout and would never receive the comfort of the angelic visitor in a dream that Joseph was to see.  He too, is portrayed as facing a great dilemma when his betrothed young wife to be became pregnant despite their own resolve to remain virgins before marriage.  Mary found herself out in the cold.  The stark reality check of choosing to obey God's will and go God's way came as a cold dose of frightening price-paying.

What a wonderful example she set us!  How much she deserves our admiration?  More than that, her difficult choice with its cost and pain has brought so much into our world, our lives and our eternity.  Without her willingness to obey God we would still be in our sins without hope and without God in the world.  Thank you Mary, and thank you Lord for breaking into our frozen wilderness with your love and your saving power.  And thank you too BBC One for bringing it to our screens.

Hope Deferred?

I looked at Diane with that knowing look. She glanced back telling me with her eyes that she understood my sorrow and frustration. The nurses were still talking, still fiddling with their computer. They were trying to sound positive, but we knew the truth.  We've been there so often before that it doesn't take a degree in interventionist pain management to realise that something had gone wrong.  In the operating theatre the surgeon had placed two flexible cables into the epidural cavity surrounding my spine and now only one day later, the nurses sent to programme the equipment with their hand-held computer could only find one.  The major line of the two designed to deal with at least 60% of my pain had failed, been moved or had simply been misplaced. Now, despite all the anxious preparations and long wait, the air flight to London and all the expense involved, the maximum benefit we could hope for was that 40% of the area of my intense pain might be covered by the sensations produced by neurostimulation of the spine.

This has been the tale of our lives during the long fifteen years of atrocious pain that I have endured.  Diane and I have set off so many times for hospital, more than 70 times, saying to each other 'surely this time it will work'.  We have had the same attitude to receiving healing prayer ministry.  Over the years we have travelled to Toronto, Bethel in California, healing centres in the UK, and a missionaries care facility in France each time believing that God would intervene and heal.  Some of the biggest names in Christendom have laid hands on me - all without the single feature we do seek and daily expect - healing and deliverance from one of the most painful conditions known to man.  Don't get me wrong, we have been greatly blessed and encouraged to keep going, and we both know that I am only still alive because of amazing answers to prayer, but the frustrations of hope built up and then dashed have been hard to bear.  As the Bible says; 'hope deferred makes the heart sick' (Proverbs 13:12).

Then a small group met to pray for me on a snowy night.  One of them had a vision from the Lord of the scales of justice on top of the Old Bailey.  In one pan he saw our constant disappointments being loaded in, and then he saw the other pan being filled with joys that completely outweighed the other! 'There will be justice' is what he felt the Lord was saying, 'and great joy is going to wash away your frequent disappointments!'  Praise God. Then I remembered the promise For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Cor. 4:17 and I rejoiced, but I also dare to believe that there will be a fulfilment of that in this life too.  If not, I will still hope in God, for no-one who puts their hope in Him will be put to shame.

And who knows?  The trial of this piece of kit is not over yet, and God can do amazing things with people foolish enough to trust in Him and not in themselves.

Tough Going

The old cigar advert blew clouds of smoke across the screen and burned the lyrics of the song into my memory for ever.. 'There may be Trouble Ahead'.  Remember it?  Well that ages you and me both.  But it feels about right for what's happening to me just now.  Once again I am facing surgery in a London hospital - Guys - and I don't really know how it will go.  I have been warned that because of the nature of the surgery on my spine, I will have to to remain awake for at least the first part of the operation, so that they can be sure that they are working in exactly the right spot, and then they will anaesthetise me.  Boy, do I hope they get a move on.  Pass me the Hamlet cigar box please!

Yet I am strangely feeling really hopeful this time.  Each time Diane and I have set off by plane for Gatwick airport to report in a London hospital yet again - many more than 50 times now - we have looked at each other and said 'Just one more time eh?'  We really hoped that it would be the last.  We were always wrong.  This time I know it will not be the final visit, nor the last surgery to be endured.  Next Tuesday (14th Dec) will only be a trial, inserting electrodes into my spine and tunnelling cables inside me to place a computerised piece of kit something similar to a TENS machine but much more powerful.  If the trial succeeds there will be at least one more operation to make the whole thing complete, but we are both really hopeful that this equipment will bring meaningful relief.  It may even enable my medical team to reduce the amount of morphine that I require each day to survive.  Who knows, I may even be set free to do what I love the best, preaching and teaching God's precious Word.

The sign above would worry anyone, wouldn't it?  Unless that is they are searching for the little Scottish village called - you've guessed it - 'Tough' where this photo was taken.  Then the sign would be a step in the right direction.  And that is what I am hoping to take with Diane next week, a step in the right direction.  Even if it is going to be 'Tough'!

The Value or the Cost?

This is probably not the best of times to invest in the Euro.  Our 'friends in need' in Ireland are discovering that there is a big difference between knowing the cost of something and understanding its value.  They went headlong into the 'Green Tiger' economy, splashing and splurging their newly minted wealth, whilst failing to realise that the value of their shiny new 21st Century goods was pretty low whilst their cost would turn out to be immense - more in fact than they were able to pay.  And who will be the next?  No doubt other major Western economies are shivering in their designer shoes just now.

But am I guilty of making the same mistake?  Do I know the difference between value and cost?  I think not, and here's why.  The things that I really want in life, and value as 'success', do not have the same price tag on them in God's economy as in mine. For instance, I value being well thought of, and approved by the people who know me.  The Bible tells me that all I do ought to be done for the acclaim of an audience of One.  His 'well done good and faithful servant' should excite me much more than the idea of being a Christian celebrity or a famous preacher and conference speaker. But does it?  (Don't think I am going to tell you!! Aw - shame!)

And then there is that frightening verse in James chapter 1. 'Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.'  Now that is a problem.  I don't value pain, struggle, suffering and trials.  No way.  Those things bear a very meagre price tag in my store.  But hey - God says I am to 'count it all joy' (AV) when such things come my way!  Charles Spurgeon said of these verses, 'James teaches us in our struggles how to count.  He sets before us a different kind of measure from that which carnal reason would use: the shekel of the sanctuary was very different from the shekel in common commerce, and so is the counting of faith far other than that of human judgement. Write down the testing process as pure gain and instead of being sorry about it, count it all joy.'

So what does God value in me?  What precious commodity is He trying to bring to the surface?  One thing I do know, is that the very process itself cost Jesus everything.  To Him, the price of my redemption was worth paying because He uses heaven's unique value system.  And that is not measured in Euros or in pounds or in dollars, but in love, sacrifice, perseverance, faith and tears.  Are you willing to pay that price tag?  Am I?

Thanks Lord

I am so grateful.  I have survived a difficult and dangerous procedure in a London hospital with only an extended hospital stay of an extra 5 days due to complications and pain. Although I have to go back there in a few days to have a stent removed, I do feel that despite the fact that the war goes on, this particular skirmish is passing.  Hooray!!  And - do you mind if I say it again?  I am SO grateful.  Why?

I have a wife like no other in the world.  She is such an encouragement to me every single day.  She always comes to London with me to guide me through Gatwick airport in my opiate haze and carry the heavy bags!  Diane then remains on her own in hotels, and on this occasion she had to change hotel three times during her stay.  Morning, afternoon and evening she sits by my hospital bed.  A group of nurses were near us one evening, and one of them said to the others 'If you want to see a woman who loves her husband like no other you should look at this woman' pointing at Diane ' because she is amazing'.  Diane keeps smiling, keeps loving, keeps hoping, keeps encouraging, keeps trusting, keeps real and just keeps going!

As the Bible says in Proverbs 31 'A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long...  Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: "Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!"'

I am also so grateful for people who love God from around the world who also seem to love us and pray for us regularly.  This fellowship of love is like being in a warm and cosy bed on a rainy day.  It means that although the weather may not have improved outside, we feel safe and cared for, and protected.  This particular admission to hospital was potentially very dangerous for me because of my medical history.  I even wrote out my funeral arrangements before I went!  Thankfully the faith of our prayer partners did not waver, nor their persistence fail. In God's goodness He heard their cry and ours, and must have a purpose for me down here yet.

Most of all I am grateful for Jesus.  Through His word and by His Spirit I am able to keep hoping too. I want you to know that hope also, leading to joy and peace in all and any circumstances. 'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.' Amen to that!

A Fist Unfurled

Last evening our house-group came to call.  They wanted to pray with Diane and I before we set off for hospital in London.  We had a short but special time together reminding ourselves of God's promises and being the family of God.  Toward the end I had a picture in my mind of an upraised fist.  It seemed to me that this angry gesture was waving in the face of God.  I felt that God was showing me this so that we all could just examine our hearts, and especially me, to see if our attitude towards God at this time was the right one.  Now don't get me wrong - I don't think that God was saying that there is no place for anger in our lives.  Anyone who has read my book Storm Force will know that there is a whole chapter in it about the appropriateness and normality of anger when facing storms of all kinds.  Yet there is a good anger and a bad anger, a healthy anger and an unhealthy anger.

When I shared this picture with the group, one of them said that she was just going to read the verse Psalm 4:4 'Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.' which is very similar to Paul's advice in Ephesians 4:26 'Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath'. So it seemed that the Holy Spirit was trying to get through to us. The well known Christian writer and quadriplegic Joni Eareckson Tada has said 'Any crisis is meant to awaken us to the reality of God, His nearness, His care, His presence and His ever-present help' yet in my experience it is so hard to hold on to that kind of perspective.  My own battle with ill health is nothing compared to the conditions being faced right now by Christians in places like Iraq and Zimbabwe yet many of them have found it possible to keep trusting God in the most appalling circumstances and to remain hopeful and free from bitterness.  I aspire to those great goals... but hey, am I alone in saying that going is tough?  How should we respond?

The picture in my mind began to change.  The fist unfurled and the hand opened up, fingers flexing and extending.  God was showing me my part in the process, small as that may be.  He wants us to open up our hands to receive his amazing love, relax our anxious accusations and let go of our fears, worshipping and trusting him alone.  As Joni went on to say ''Will we allow the truth of God's promises to change the way we see life, with all its challenges and obstacles?  To ease our fears and calm our anxieties?  To give us hope and confidence when there doesn't seem to be any earthly reason for either?' (A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty)  As the group left our home last evening I felt more determined than ever to see God's perspective on yes even next week's trial, and to turn my fist into an open hand.  How about you?

Confronting the Unthinkable

Preparing for Battle

We all have our personal battles to fight.  Some will be minor skirmishes, others a matter of life and death.  One of the latter hit me in 1997 when I was subjected to a surgical/medical procedure known as ERCP - this what the Pancreatitis Supporters' Network warns about it: 'These are HIGHLY dangerous to us with Pancreatitis.  Our advice is ALWAYS make sure they are properly qualified and they are doing it for a valid reason - see statistics in Information Pack download for risk statistics'. It nearly killed me. I cannot describe to you the devastation it brought to my life.  I am only alive today by the grace of God and in answer to many people's prayers.  But it was one awful battle. 


Next Tuesday I will have another one!  'Is he mad?' I can hear you ask.  No, just very sick and desperately in need of the treatment, which despite its terrifying dangers does offer some hope of relief.  It will be a therapeutic procedure - even more dangerous than a diagnostic one like the one I had in 1997.  They will try to remove a stone that is blocking my pancreatic duct.  The team will also leave behind a stent to keep the duct patent and overcome a stricture or narrowing of the duct at present.  The pancreas in someone like me is a very unforgiving organ.  Once provoked to 'go rogue' and start using its meat-dissolving enzymes to eat itself and its surrounding organs it is almost unstoppable.  But - it can be beaten.


My team will be the best in the country.  Based at University College Hospital in London they know their art. I don't know how long I will be in hospital, but Diane will be with me, staying as she always has done during the more than 60 times we have been there, in a nearby hotel.  (It has cost us more than a medium sized new car for her to always be with me but I could not be without her support.  We have been amazed at the way people have given to us, and supported us with their gifts as well as their prayers.  Thank you Lord!).


So, today I am preparing for battle.  I am stacking up my ammunition - reminding myself of God's promises and soaking my mind in God's Word and His presence.  I am loading really good music onto my iTouch player, and got some great books to go with me.  Will I read them?  Maybe not, but I would rather prepare in hope.  By the end of next week I will know.  I am in a win/win situation.  Even if the worst happens and I succumb to deadly haemoraghic pancreatitis, I will wake up in the most exciting place in God's universe.  But hey - I feel I still have work to do.  So please join me as part of my back-up team.  I love and appreciate you.  Jesus does too. Bye now.

Cutbacks and Setbacks

The whole of Britain is waiting with bated breath for the UK Chancellor to announce his spending review and with it the details of the government's cutbacks in public spending.  Although we are not part of the UK here, we share an interest in what happens over the water as it will undoubtedly have an eventual effect upon us in time.  In any case, even though we have no national debt to speak of, Guernsey is facing a similar process of reigning in the spending of public bodies so as to avoid a deficit here too.  The phrase 'no gain without pain' comes to mind!


When it comes to undergoing pain in order to grow or make gains, I feel that I may have just a little experience of that in my own life!  Serious illness forces you to cut back and expend less energy and activity just to get through, and you find yourself having to let go of activities you would once have thought essential to your own sense of who you are.  These cutbacks appear to be setbacks, but they can actually also be opportunities to review and refocus on what really does matter.  It is amazing how much you think you need to hold onto in order to fulfil your calling, and how much you can let go of without losing effectiveness in ministry.  What we are is so much important than what we do.


I am reading a superb book on a similar subject at the moment. Written by Joni Tada A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty is a tremendous outline of the theological position I myself have written about in Storm Force.  It is such a comfort to those of us who believe in a God who heals, yet who are in chronic pain, to discover that in the kingdom of God there has been no cutback in the comfort of the Holy Spirit or the ministry of the Word of God.  We have had to cut all sorts of activities and busyness, but are still able to serve God in small ways each day.  I recommend this as good reading for you too.


Cutbacks don't necessarily have to be setbacks when God is in charge.

Sweet and Sour

The smell rising from the kitchen aroused strong pangs of desire in me.  I knew that my wife was there, attractive, fragrant and radiant with her sleeves tucked seductively up over scandalously beguiling bare arms.  I trod the stair carpet gently, unwilling to break the spell of allurement.  Carefully I moved across the kitchen floor, positioned myself secretly behind her feminine form.  All was laid bare before my gaze.  Diane had been baking again!

I love her baking.  Her cakes are a constant challenge to my waistline, not to mention my low fat regime.  There may be death in the pot but hey, what a way to go!  I allow the fabulous fumes to arise into my searching nostrils while my hand creeps silently towards the newly made objects of desire. ‘Oi, get off!’ The slap to my hand is playful but has the desired effect. ‘They’re not ready yet.  You’ll have one with your tea’.

One thing I have noticed over the years that Diane has practised the baking arts is that the ingredients alone are never very tasty.  Baking soda hardly tickles the palate.  The whites of an egg or two make very sticky banality whilst lemon rind is bitter and choking.  Flour makes you sneeze and margarine is just slippery candle-wax.  No joy in stealing any of those.  But ah!  When collected and manipulated by my gifted wife together they become baking heaven.  The difference is phenomenal.  What you would not give a penny for, when brought under the spell of her recipe you could sell for a mint.

My life has been like that.  The ingredients alone are not very attractive.  Incidents and experiences that on their own are at best bland and at worse bitter and choking, are blended by Jesus Christ the master baker to produce a recipe that is for His glory.  Romans 8:28 says that in all things (even the sour and sad things) God works for the good of those who love Him. The isolated incidences alone are never satisfying and cannot easily be understood, but God takes all these sour ingredients and blends them together to produce an outcome that is good.  Mind you – it’s the heat of the oven that I can’t stand.

The Mystery of Darkness - Treasure in Secret Places

Making gemstones is a godly task.  Only eternal beings need apply.  Much of the work will be done underground and under intense pressure. Working hours will be measured in aeons - millennia may be taken as rest periods.  Inspection of the finished article will require a light source, preferably one which spawns a universe. Applicants will need wisdom to choose the appropriate material, and perseverance to pursue it beyond its many faults.  Giving up will not be an option.  The gemstone thus produced will reflect the glory of the master craftsman. But the stone itself - well that's just coal under pressure - carbon that forgot that its primary colour should be black. Stuff that without the vision and hope of the craftsman would never even see the light of day.

"But where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living... It cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver. It cannot be bought with the gold of Ophir, with precious onyx or sapphires. Neither gold nor crystal can compare with it, nor can it be had for jewels. Coral and jasper are not worthy of mention; the price of wisdom is beyond rubies. Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell?

 ‘The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.’" (Job 28)
 
What does this mean for me?  It means that God does not have to explain to me all that He is achieving.  It means that only eternity will show the true beauty of what God was doing in my life through pain and waiting.  It means that 'the work of God' is so much deeper, higher, fuller and larger than my puny understanding of it to date.  In the darkness of my pain and sorrow God is making gemstones.  Far from the gaze of those who want quick and easy answers, the Almighty is getting Himself glory.  And I don't mind that really, just so long as these years of agony and pressure serve some purpose, somewhere, and that the carbon of my life ends up to the praise of His glory instead of the ash heap where it deserves to be, but for God's amazing grace.

Setback or Setup?

Time to Think

These days of silence since I last blogged have not been easy.  There was a period, following my prolonged 'nil-by-mouth' exercise, when I thought that a new day might be dawning in my long battle with serious ill-health. Encouragement came from folk who know me well pointing out that I was looking better, and the good old diary told me that it had been nearly four months since I had been admitted to hospital.  Four months?  Yes, that's a record that beats any period for several years now.  Sadly, during this time of hope, my dear Sister-in-law Janet Hulbert passed away, and her tragic passing was all the more painful because our parents are gone now, and Andy, her partner, is all of nine years younger than me.  I felt for him and did not want him to go through the funeral service alone.  In fact, he even asked me to officiate at the service near Manchester in the north of England.

Then, bang!  Three nights before the planned flight, at 2am, I was curled up in the foetal position choking with agony and in desperate need of medical help.  We hung in there at home for 12 hours, but then I was admitted as an emergency through the A & E department of our local hospital, with the raging pain and fever of acute pancreatitis. The staff could not have been kinder to me. 'We have not seen you for quite a while now, have we?'  'Four months - wow, well done!'  Meanwhile Diane was cancelling flight tickets and letting Andy know of our changed circumstances.  He was great - so understanding and kind in the midst of his own deep suffering.  There was no choice.  Only rest and acceptance could give me peace in my troubled situation.

Once the immediate scream of pancreatic pain settles, there is always the fear of not knowing which way this attack will go.  Will the serum Amylase in the blood just keep on rising to life-threatening levels, or will it give way and start going down.  Thankfully, within a few days, the crisis passed, and I had time to reflect.  What did I think?  Well, I thought about the fact that if I had been there and taken that funeral service, Andy would not have the ongoing pastoral support of a local person who did take it, and the Fellowship he represents which is nearby to where Andy and Janet's home is. Also, I found myself in a bed next to some very special people, whose needs were great and whose company was meant to be.  And Matthew, our son, now nearly 30, was able to travel and be there in my place, cementing his place into the life of the wider family.

And I got yet another reminder that my life is not my own.  We plan and prepare, but God decides whether we will even be there.  Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15) Food for thought eh?