Home again!

Our Wonderful Island Home!

No - we don't live on a cliff!  But we do have the privilege of living in a most enchanting isle which is bedecked in the fabulous colours of Spring.  The gorse smells of vanilla and is bright yellow, the bluebells are ringing and the hedgerows are awash with colour.  No wonder we found the last two weeks in Central London a trial.  It is such a joy to be home, and to leave behind the manic noisy throng and fume laden atmosphere of Tottenham Court Road.  It is also a tremendous relief to be out of hospital, even if the UCLH is a bright new building and the staff are as good as it gets - there's no place like home.

So my long fast has begun.  A minimum of 6 weeks 'nil by mouth'.  I am connected to a special pump 20 hours a day which keeps me alive, but nothing will pass my lips for the foreseeable future.  This is called 'total pancreatic rest' and is designed to arrest the recurring acute attacks of pancreatitis and lessen the pain of chronic pancreatitis.  I hope that it works as the sacrifice involved is enormous.

I am so grateful to all those who have told me that they are fasting with me at this time.  Not for the whole 6 weeks, of course, but for a day, or two and three days, so that this period is covered by fasting partners.  Now that's what I call 'the local church at work'.  Many thanks to you all.

So I am going to try and distract myself from gnawing hunger and the hallucinations of cups of tea and coffee etc.  I find tremendous comfort in the presence of One who spent 6 weeks fasting in the desert once.  He knows the anguish and shares with me as a fasting partner par execellence.  Thank you Jesus!

Hope Instead of Despair

Here is my wonderful wife Diane - whom I love more than words can say - speaking at a ladies breakfast last weekend where around a hundred ladies gathered.  The meeting was called Rock Chicks (Diane said that she felt like she was 'Crock Chicks'!) and she spoke there on a subject that she was well qualified to address, 'Hope in Place of Despair'.  Many ladies spoke to her since then to tell her that her words had affected them profoundly.  She prayed for several at the end, and there was a real sense that God was speaking through her.  Now the church have put her talk on their website so you can listen to it as well.  If you want to do so, you should go to http://www.rock.gg/ and look for her talk by clicking on the podcasts tab, and then you can either listen straight away or download it for later.

I really felt blessed by what she shared.  It moved me to tears to hear of her faith concerning my healing, and her steady confidence that God is still at work in our lives despite the pain and struggle of the last 14 years.

On the 27th April Diane and I will fly to London Gatwick Airport (volcanic ash permitting) and I will be admitted into the University College London Hospital once again.  During the next week they will probably commence the period of 'nil-by-mouth' total pancreatic rest, and also look into the reasons for the recent attacks of cholangitis as well as pancreatitis.  Please pray with us for breakthrough.  Several folk have told me that they are going to fast with me at times during the period I am on the treatment.  You cannot know how much that moves me, and how humbled and encouraged I am by that knowledge.  Thank you.

So, here is Diane's key verse: 'Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.' Psalm 42:11.

Familiar with Suffering

I find myself at a loss to know how to explain my situation at this time.  If you know me you will already be aware of my 14 year battle with chronic pancreatitis and recurring acute pancreatitis. Until last year I was also being admitted to hospital every month or so with a nasty illness called cholangitis - the inflammation or infection of the bile tree - quite a dangerous condition leading to septic shock and more!  I had a huge operation in London last July to overcome this.  It appeared to have worked.  The cholangitis attacks stopped, but then we fought a renewed outbreak of pancreatitis.  Now I am booked to go into the University Hospital in London at the end of April to commence between 6 weeks and 4 months of total pancreatic rest with nil by mouth.  Would you credit it?  On the cusp of this difficult and rigorous treatment - the cholangitis attacks have started again!

Please pardon my being a bit stuck for words to say. I am gutted.  I have just got home after 5 days in the local hospital with this latest attack.  So - here we go again.  Is there to be no oasis in this desert?  Are my tears in vain?  Does my cry get any higher than the ceiling?

Oh I know that is not true, but it does feel like it.  Still, it must have felt pretty rotten for our parents to endure the Second World War.  It must be pretty foul to have MS like a young Christian friend of mine.  There must be thousands of decent people whose situation is a zillion times worse.  And then - how did Jesus feel, brutally beaten and flogged at 33 years of age, hung on a cruel cross and for what?  'He had done no wrong, no violence, neither was there any deception in his mouth.  Yet, it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer' (Isaiah 53:10).

So - it's Holy Week and I for one don't feel very holy.  If it wasn't for that cross - for those hands - for those drops of blood - for that glorious first Sunday morning!  I'd be finished.  Sometimes I feel as though I am.  'Lord, please give me the strength to go on'.

A Call to Prayer

I read this report today on the website of the Barnabas Fund http://www.barnabasfund.org/. 'The situation for Christians in Iraq has steadily got worse over recent years. Baghdad and Mosul appear to be particularly dangerous places for Christians, with numerous examples of horrendous anti-Christian atrocities including rape, kidnapping and murder. Women and church leaders are particularly targeted. Car bomb attacks occur on churches, especially at times when there will be worshippers present.'

It just seems so sad and wrong that the Christian community in Iraq has gained so little from the so-called 'Iraq War' and are far worse off now than they were under Saddam's terrible regime.  It really does help me to put my own little cup of suffering into perspective when I read this, and remember that we are not promised a bed of roses on which we will be wafted to heaven straight from the point of our commitment to Christ!  Life is tough, and the Christian life is really tough.  Thankfully the One who calls us is faithful and will be with us in all our trials.  The blood of the martyrs is still the seed of the church in 2010.

Let's pray for the Church in Iraq and do all we can to support it practically too.

Policeman who called on churchgoers to ask God to help fight crime!

I read this really interesting article in the good ole' Daily Mail today and thought you might like to see it! I wonder if these statistics will make any waves further afield? Maybe you should spread the news of what's happening on the streets of Barnstaple since the people of God starting getting down and dirty with the problems affecting their streets just like most towns in the UK.


Policeman who called on churchgoers to ask God to help fight crime has his prayers answered Mail Online

Warning! Obstructions Ahead!

If you are used to being blessed by my blogs, or are of a nervous disposition, then look away now.

Tell me, is there anybody in the UK National Health Service that has more than 2 brain cells to rub together?  I am fast despairing of it.  I mean - would you send a letter to someone who is really unwell and finds travelling a real trial, and who lives in a far-off island, telling them to attend a consultation with a senior doctor in a major London teaching hospital within one week, and when the patient finally gets there the man is on annual leave?  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??  I mean, never mind the £500 it cost them, nor the hassle that they will go through having to fly to Gatwick Airport and back and stay in a hotel overnight just to be sure that they will be there to see him.  Not to mention the fact that it is half-term and all the planes are full so the fares are up, and the nearest hotel costs £165 per night - NO - let the patient go through all that and then sit down to chat with a locum. A LOCUM!!  Like I need a locum after 14 years of the worst pain known to man?  Hah Hah!!

As you will gather, my dander is somewhat elevated.  The administrator agreed that they should have phoned me to ask if I minded seeing a locum.  They were sorry - THEY WERE SORRY?

Ah well, at least we were able to express our concerns to them all, and so the locum went to find another consultant who works with the team sometimes, and he said that when Dr Whatsisname is back he will have a chat with him about my case, and he will telephone me.  Thanks a lot - I can hardly wait.

London Calling

Once again the summons comes for me to appear in London - this time at a hospital directly opposite the Houses of Parliament - St Thomases (which is now linked to Guys).  Following more than 60 such trips I am used to the itinerary - by air to London Gatwick airport and then the Gatwick Express on to Victoria Station and a cab to a nearby hotel.  To be honest, knowing how the trip will go is only half the story.  Having the strength to make it is a big chunk of the other half!  It is certainly a challenge to get through Gatwick airport with all that walking and the hustle and bustle of a thriving international aiport.  But the joy of having Diane with me should make that possible with as little hassle as can be achieved.

This trip is to begin negotiations with a new team for me - the Pain Management Team - and the idea is to see if I might benefit from the insertion of a Spinal Stimulator in my back.  The device places electrodes in the epidural cavity of the spine high up on the back, connected by internal cables to a control unit placed under the skin in a reasonably 'rolly polly' area!  No trouble there then eh?  A hand held remote control would then enable me to increase or decrease the current applied (I am probably using all the wrong terms here) to stimulate the spinal cord electronically so as to interfere with the pain signals travelling to my brain.  If this provides some pain relief without opiates, then it will allow me to come off these stupefying drugs.  Please pray that it will, and that this consultation will set the process going in quick order for a fast intervention in my desperate situation.  Thanks.

At least I don't have to win an election in order to get near to the Mother of Parliaments!

Crumple Zones and Crashes

The niece of a good friend of mine was badly hurt in this car accident just after Christmas in South Africa.  We are praying for her now as she passes through serious surgery and a prologed period of recovery from this dreadful ordeal.  The photo of the wreck was sent to me as an example of how bad such a thing can be, and how amazing it is that people sometimes survive such devastating impact.  I was interested in this picture, as it came to me just days after I had received something very similar from a pastor in the UK concerning a colleague working as a missionary in Spain who had also just survived a devastating head-on collision in that country.  Clearly, from his photo too, shown below, the escape was remarkable, even to the point of being nigh on miraculous.

In both sets of photographs it was clear to me that in these dreadful front-on crashes people had survived who should not have done by the mercy of God.  Along with that acknowledgement of Divine grace, I could see in the shots that both vehicles had collapsed in front of the passenger compartment, and in one case behind it too.  This was no accident either.  Car designers had planned it that way by the provision of 'crumple zones' - areas of the car's construction that will respond to huge impact by complete destruction, absorbing forces that would otherwise have been focussed on the driver and passengers.

Clever things, these crumple zones.  And they set me thinking.  There are certain factors that can be built into our lives to act in a similar way.  Tears, for instance, are created to be shed.  When they are, they bring release to those of us who have been through devastating crashes - and I don't mean just road traffic accidents!  Bible verses learnt when everything is dandy, and the sun is shining bright, will be there to come to the fore in crisis.  Lessons learnt in the school of prayer, even the disciplines of a healthy prayer life, may also suffer in a disaster but they will have already worked their magic, and could be life-savers.

There are more.  Forgiveness, good relationships with those closest to us, church friends, may all in their turn come up trumps in a crash.  So, thank God for crumple zones and Divine passenger compartments!

Drive safely!

Bleakness Engaged

This is not a view of our road this week - this was last February.  The contrast between then and now is stark.  Then the snow came thick and fast, and stayed - itself an unusual phenomenon in the Channel Islands.  Now, we have been talking snow all week, but not doing snow, and there is all the difference in the world between talking something and doing it!  I remember that I am like that too!  I talk trust - and then doubt.  I predict a great eternity - and then don't want to get there too soon!  I announce that Jesus is Lord of all my life - and then take back the broken bits to myself that I feel only I can fix. In a nutshell I am all forecasts and no gritter!  Talking up deep drifts and skating on thin ice.

You know bleakness has a life of its own.  It feeds on fear and does a lot of its work in the dark.  We talk joy when in company, and shiver with doubt and worry under the covers.  I'll be honest with you - my forecast is not good.  I saw the surgeon three days before Christmas in London (yes it was snowing!) and he described my options as 'dire'.  Major surgery to remove much of my insides permanently - or carry on facing the threat of acute attacks of potentially deadly pancreatitis every month.  As a start he wants to put me back on 'total pancreatic rest' with enteral feeding for 4 to 6 weeks in the early part of the year.  This means that one of my major sources of comfort is also going to be stripped away from me - food and drink!  It also threatens to put a great barrier between my wife and I because we share so much over a cup of tea or the food table.

But listen - the forecast is not always right, is it?  Sometimes they get it wrong, and make things sound bleaker than they are - just like this week in Guernsey.  And hey, even if the worst does come I still have choices between fear and hope, lies and God's truth, moaning or worshipping, despair or trust in God's Word.

So, things may not be as bleak as they seem, and even if they are, God's gritters are great, and His purposes still stand true.  He loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life.  Get shovelling!

New Year Wishes

I was listening to an announcer at the local radio station as I shaved this morning, nearly causing a chunk of my beautiful looks(!) to be chopped off just in time for the New Year.  He was reporting a vox pop interviewing people in the town centre as what would be their three wishes for Guernsey this New Year.  Most of the answers were banal - people were caught on the hop and couldn't think of what to say.  I'm sure they thought of plenty after he had gone.  I stopped hacking and asked myself the same question.  Now, I'm not claiming to be full of good thoughts, so I surprised myself with these three things that sprang into my mind.

1. A large number of young people to become committed followers of Jesus Christ.  Many are already doing so, and I am amazed at their boldness and faith, but wouldn't it be great to see a real harvest of young lives for the kingdom of God?  That would change Guernsey and probably the world.
2. That the island's government, churches and people would spend in 2010 exactly what they spend on themselves in overseas aid.  Let's do some radical giving in the coming year that would bring a smile to millions of faces around the globe! The next year we can exceed this by giving away more than we spend on ourselves but hey, let's not hurry this!
3. That there be no more unemployment.  I know that our jobless figures are minute compared to the UK and other Western democracies, especially post recession (if we are post??) but every unemployed person is a wasted resource and a huge drain on the public purse.  Why not put them to work in useful publically or privately financed projects that would add to infrastructure (roads, bridges, parks, pathways, sewers, mains etc) or action to reduce poverty and increase self-reliance (creating allotments from derelict greenhouse sites and then giving/renting them to the poor, redecorating church, charity and youth premises to further the creation of a community spirit).

I stepped into the shower and thought 'and what about me?'  Three wishes for my own situation?  Well, for a start, I'd love to have a new pancreas - then I could really get going!

Do let me know your own three wishes for yourself or your community, I'd love to read them.  Have a Happy New Year!

Courage to Face the Future

It takes an unusual kind of courage to face the enormity of being blown up in Afghanistan, losing limbs, and then facing life in a totally different way. Like the courage of Rifleman Craig Wood who was just 18 and was blown up by the Taliban on his first patrol. Losing three limbs and having 27 pints of blood he was given only a 50% chance of survival but he is facing this horrendous injury with an awe inspiring determination.  His youth, his strength before the terrible incident that nearly killed him, the excellent medical, surgical and nursing care are all contributing to his current recovery. Yet, no-one doubts the courage of this brave young man who said to his girlfriend "I have to make the best of it! I have lost a number of good colleagues, I know how lucky I am, in a way".

Courage comes in many shapes and forms.  The young officer walking out in front of his men so that he can detect and deal with the deadly IED's that threaten his troop is an obvious example.  I can think, though, of some examples of courage nearer to home.  A young friend has just endured a painful lung operation in London, a long way from home, and is facing the New Year in pain, knowing that he must move home in the first few days of 2010.  Still he can find examples of how God has helped him through the surgical ordeal and is trusting Him for his future (ably assisted by his wonderful family!)  Another dear friend is battling cancer that came as a complete mystery to him, his wife and children, and yet is testifying to God's amazing grace and presence with them in their trial.

And when you think of the Bible account of the first Christmas, courage came in large helpings too.  Mary chose to go God's way despite the possible loss of her partner Joseph (if he failed to understand or believe her) and in the light of scorn and disdain by her community.  Wise men set out from the East, facing the tyrant king Herod, and defying him, in the courage that faith always needs in order to prevail.

So, I am facing 2010 and asking God for courage.  I know I may well have to endure another long period of enforced 'nil by mouth' total pancreatic rest, and probably quite a while in hospital in London.  I know that the Holy Spirit is the 'spirit of boldness' and I'm looking to Him to help me.  And I can say, therefore, to you, whatever you are facing, that you need to ask Him to fill you with boldness, reassure you with His unique comfort, and walk beside you as your advocate, in a courageous New Year!

Sunsets and Phoney Baloney!

Sunset over Port Soif in Guernsey can be a magnificent affair.  It often comes at the end of a great day of sunshine and blue skies, but is more often the finale to a period of moody weather or even a storm.  If 'Braving the Storm' is your motto, you will, like me, regard the sunset as compensation after a tough day, and the promise of another go tomorrow.  That's a great help when we face storms - just the knowledge that tomorrow is another day, and the very worst of weather will 'come to pass', likely to be replaced by something different, if not better.

It came home to me today how long it has been since my last blog.  I felt sad that I have lost touch with you, and stirred to do something about it.  Part of the reason for the long silence is that I have been going through a particularly bad storm.  Despite the great thrill and joy of being able to preach again in November after a year out of the pulpit, the battle has raged around me, and the illness I fight has waxed and waned in its perfidious strategy designed to destroy me. (That's no exageration; take a peek at 1 Peter 5:8-9). I have made a commitment to myself and to you that I will only be honest in my blogs.  No sugarry cover-ups, no religious make believe, no phoney baloney!! But then - there is only so much you can say about pain, tears, weakness, loneliness and sorrow - without boring the socks off those who read or listen.  So, here are some positive things that are going on despite the storm:

1. God is wonderfully providing all our needs.  We have not been on a salary since July 2008 and we have wanted for nothing!
2. We have met some really great people and are learning from how God is working in their lives.
3. So many people tell us that they pray for us every day - now that is amazing!
4. I have been kept alive through 3 major operations in the last year and several potentially dangerous attacks of acute pancreatitis.
5. Every day God's Word has spoken to us and is a lamp to our feet and a light to our darkened path.
6. Several trips to London for Diane and I have been covered by generous giving and practical love and support from others.
7. The sun sets daily as a reminder that God is faithful and has granted us another day.

'I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: GOD’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness!  I’m sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.' (Lam. 3:19-24 The Message).

God's megaphone?

'Pain is God's megaphone to speak to us' was the phrase that stuck in my mind as I reached for the medicine drawer again this morning. It had been a painful night, despite huge amounts of a morphine based slow-release pain medication. Early morning found me sitting curled up on the side of the bed rocking to and fro in agony and crying out to God for relief. Despite three major surgeries in the last year my pain is no better - in fact, it's worse (wasn't there a woman in the Bible who spent all her money on doctors and didn't get well, as they only made her worse?). It was then that phrase went over in my mind like one of those 'Name That Tune' ditties. I was too sad, too tired and too jaded to even find out who said it and why.

Uncharacteristically for me, I uploaded the statement to my Facebook status and started a long list of contributions from people who know me. One from a close friend reminded me that it was C.S.Lewis who used the phrase. I ferretted around in my bookshelves and found the guilty script - the magnificant 'The Problem of Pain'. Just finding it has helped me today. I have realised my mistake. My tortured mind offered me a misquotation from the Maestro. What he in fact said was this. 'God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.' And he said it in 1940 when there was quite enough pain to go round and plenty to spare.

You wouldn't use a megaphone to speak to anyone close would you? No, nor would I. But Lewis is making several points and among them is the comparison of how much we can learn about God from our pleasures, our consciences and our pain, and obviously the pain gets the biscuit even though we want to relegate it to the bin. Also, the real target of God's megaphone is 'a deaf world'. You see, we go through stuff so that others, usually even more deaf to God's words than we might be, may catch His message through the way we trust Him, and by His grace we hold on to our faith when we want to scream and let go.

Lewis also makes the profound point (well he would wouldn't he?) that we may ignore the voice of conscience, or even the point of pleasure, 'but pain insists upon being attended to.' Wow, that's why so many people read his books. As for me, if I had a megaphone, you bet that the world would know that I'm hurting too! Mind you - I've got me blog haven't I?

Why me?

'The noblest souls are the most tempted. The devil is a sportsman and likes big game. He makes the deadliest assaults on the richest natures, the finest minds, the noblest spirits.' (John Lawrence)

Welcome to the club. You may not remember when you joined. I do. I was in my mid-teens. I took my life, about the only thing of value I possessed. I gave it to God and I said 'Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to Thee'. That day I gave God a blank cheque. He filled it in with blood at Calvary, not my blood but His.

So now, when I feel down, in pain, useless, lonely, confused or afraid, I remember that my life is something I gave away. It's no longer mine to keep, to fret over, to barter with, to have any 'rights'. At the cross I gave up my human rights at the place where He dealt with my human wrongs. He didn't say it would be easy. He never promised a scented path up a gentle incline till I arrive at heaven's door. No. Like Winston Churchill in 1940 he spoke of tears, sweat and blood - His as well as mine. I am no longer my own, I have been bought with a price.

If you are struggling with the question 'why me?' I hope this blog will cause you to take a moment to examine the title deeds for your life too.

'Yesterday, when I said "Your will be done"
I knew not what that will of Yours would be,
What clouds would gather black across my sun,
What storms and desolation waited me;
I knew Your love would give me what was best,
And I am glad I could not know the rest'

- but I'd still do it again! Would you?

The Sound of Silence

I am in an enforced, prolonged and painful period of silence. I have not preached for nearly a year, am unable to use the computer for more than about 20 minutes at a time - hence no blogs recently - and have no writing projects on the go at the moment, which is just as well, as I would be too weak and in too much pain to pursue them.

The amount of drugs needed to control my illness and manage the pain means that even my praying has taken on a new, and almost child-like complexion. I tend to 'hang around' with God rather than talk, and occasionally cry out for His mercy and a drop of relief.

The sound of silence is awe inspiring, deep with heart-hearing rhythm and womb-like feelings of getting ready for something big! And surely this 'birth' must be imminent? Can the soul bear so much travail and not bring to birth? I insist that this period must produce something in the end, even it is only the relief from pain that heaven offers.

And so - no strength left to blog. Just silence. And a God who vacated the howling wind and missed the earthquake, but showed Himself by a 'still, small voice'.

Can you hear it?

Keeping the Faith

Two young women stand condemned before a court of law charged with 'apostasy' because of their faith in Christ. If found guilty the pair are facing the death penalty. Here's an account of their plight from Elam Ministries (http://www.elam.com/) 'In a dramatic session before the revolutionary court on Sunday August 9th in Tehran, Maryam Rustampoor (27) and Marzieh Amirizadeh (30) were told to recant their faith in Christ. Though great pressure was put on them, both women declared that they would not deny their faith. Maryam and Marzieh were originally arrested on March 5th , 2009 and have suffered greatly while in prison, suffering ill health, solitary confinement and interrogations for many hours while blindfolded.

On Saturday August 8, Maryam and Marzieh were summoned to appear in court on Sunday August 9 in order to hear a verdict on their case. The chief interrogator had recommended a verdict of ‘apostasy.’ However, when they arrived, no verdict was actually given. Instead, the court session focussed on the deputy prosecutor, Mr Haddad, questioning Maryam and Marzieh about their faith and telling them that they had to recant in both verbal and written form. This made it clear that in the eyes of the court, Maryam and Marzieh’s only crime is that they have converted to Christianity.' The report goes on to quote the direct appeal by Mr Hadad to the women in the courtroom, calling on them to recant their faith. They stood firm and replied, “We will not deny our faith.”

Please pray for them as they face the very real possibility of being executed or perhaps jailed for a very long time because of their faith. That's what I call 'keeping the faith'.

Mind you, there are other circumstances where we are charged with keeping the faith, that do not include a sharia courtroom. Some may face endless battles with serious ill health, or the constant terrors of the night caused by mental and also physical disease. Others feel the sting right now of bitter betrayal or family break-up, or just the pressure of going God's way rather than our own. When the years of agony roll on, as they have done in my own case for more than 13 years, will we deny our faith, or recant?

When Jesus asked his twelve disciples if they, like others, would jettison their faith and turn back from following him, Simon Peter replied 'Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. We've already committed ourselves, confidant that you are the Holy One of God'. (John 6:68)

Have we? (made that commitment?) If so it will be tested. Some may have the faith for miracles and be delivered, but it takes a precious, ultra-refined, covenant keeping love to 'keep the faith' when the price and the disappointments are piled high.

Let's pray for each other that we will keep the faith. After all, if you and I were to stand in the dock charged with being a disciple of Christ, would there be enough evidence to convict us? With Maryam and Marziah the answer is in the court record: 'Guilty as Charged!'

How about you?

'Abba, - Daddy!!'

'If you took the love of all the best mothers and fathers who have ever lived in the course of human history,all their goodness, kindness, patience, fidelity, wisdom, tenderness, strength, and love and united all those qualities in a single person, that person's love would only be a faint shadow of the furious love and mercy in the heart of God the Father addressed to you and me at this moment.'

That phrase, taken from Brennan Manning's wonderful book 'The Furious Love of God our Father' (David C Cook, Grand Rapids, 2009) moves me to tears. It challenges the deepest depths of my frustration with God's will for my life, and stands as a statement of faith that kept Jesus going right up to the cross (Luke 22:42). Today, I commit myself to believe it and to accept it, despite having pain that I would not want my dog to endure, fear of a forthcoming physical assault via surgery, and the loneliness and discomfort of constant hospital admissions.

Today, like Jesus, I look up and cry 'Abba - Daddy! If you are willing, please take this cup of suffering from me; yet not my will but yours be done'.

Of Frying Pan and Fires!

It has been quite some time since I blogged but a lot has been happening while I have been silent. I spent a few days as an inpatient at the UCLH hospital in London, and then another few days at the PEH hospital in Guernsey. In between those visits I have tried several times to blog, but have never got far enough before strength failed me and pain dictated a prone body position.

During the last few days we have sizzled in 33C temperatures back in central London to meet with our surgeon there. It was on the hottest day of the year so far, and in a baking hot consulting room, that we heard that the outcome of all this will be a major operation in London on the 24th July. We were quiet on the train back to the airport. Neither of us wanted to say the words that burned to be expressed, or to weep the tears that would have dried instantly even if they did begin, in that rattly old train full of sweat, rubbish, commuters and swine flu!

As the blazingly obvious begins to take hold, Diane and I have been aware that God is speaking to us. 'Did not our hearts burn within us as He spoke with us on the way?' Firstly we have been so helped by the prayers and intercession of the believers back home in Guernsey and those of you who support us around the world. Then God took me to a phrase in Jeremiah 1:12 'for I am watching over my word to perform it." Among the many precious words and promises we have received over the last 13 years of this struggle, one has stood out - 1 Peter 5:10! 'After you have suffered a little while, our God... He personally will come and pick you up... and make you stronger than ever!

Phew! Though medically speaking I am facing a long and uphill struggle, it is not down to me to fulfil God 's promises. He is watching over his word to fulfil it.

If you are burning under the blazing attacks of the devil's arrows of fire, then take heart. God is still on watch for you to see that His promises prevail.

We are So Much More!

The knowledge of our true identity is a vital key to getting through the tough times in life. From a faith perspective it is important for Christians to remind themselves often of who they are in Christ. Our identity is not just what our parents, our education or our training have made us. We have a much higher and more significant identity than that.

Knowing who we are in Him makes a very real difference to our attitude towards the circumstances through which we are passing. Revelation 1:5 & 6 offers a wonderful benediction: ‘To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.’ It says that God loves us and that he has made a kingdom and priests to serve him. That means we are not just a number in a hospital, school or anywhere else. We have royal blood in us! We are princes and princesses in the kingdom of heaven! When you accepted Jesus, He accepted you and put a royal robe around your shoulders. You have a throne beside his. You are seated with him in heavenly places, (Ephesians 2:6).

When we pass through hard times the pressure can force us to forget all this. We feel wretched, small and insignificant. Our future may be befogged by fear, while present problems loom large through the murk. What we need is a magic mirror - like the one above! God's Word, the Bible is just such a mirror. We look into it and see the state of our hearts, but we also see the greatness of what God has made us in Christ! Hold on to that when the going gets hard.(I have written much more about this in my book Storm Force: winning the battle for the mind which you can obtain by clicking on the left)

Inside every pussy cat there is a lion waiting to be set free!

Update on Opdate

We have returned to Guernsey after two more trips to the University College Hospital in London and are now booked to have major corrective surgery there on 10th July (provisionally).

This is a tough time for us both because we have been through similar surgery before in 2005 at the old Middlesex Hospital and we know what is involved. It will be hard for me to face going down the steep valley of a big operation once again, but it will also be tough on Diane staying in a hotel in central London for the duration. At least we know the area well after more than 50 visits there for treatment in the last five years, and we know that a lot of you will be praying for us at that time and before.

Speaking of prayer, there are a few practical requests for prayer at this point. Please pray:

• for pain to come under control (the recent celiac plexus block has not worked)
• that I will not have any of the serious attacks of cholangitis prior to surgery
• that the op will not spark off another acute attack of pancreatitis
• that the surgery will go ahead on the due date or before
• that the surgery will be successful
• that God will provide the place for Diane to stay and the needed resources
• that we will both keep the faith and dignify the trial by trusting God throughout.

It's great to be linked with you through the amazing network of the Web and to know that we are not alone in this ongoing nightmare. Sometimes people ask me how I go on being a Christian when so much trouble has come our way. The only answer I have for them is the words of St Peter 'where else can we turn Lord, You alone have the words of eternal life'.

If you have not yet read either of my books, 'Braving the Storm: survival tactics' or 'Storm Force: winning the battle for the mind' then click on the links to the left and get hold of a copy today.